Driving home on Christmas Day and I start crying. That feeling of inadequacy creeps in and consumes my happiness. The depression slips under and snatches my soul. I sit in my car and tears start to flow. I don’t know why I’m crying. Life is good. I have friends here who have become family. I have gifts from people who I have come to love and have come to love me. I should not be crying.
I’m mad at myself for the tears. I punch the steering wheel and will myself into submission. I will not cry. I will not walk up into my apartment and I will not greet my dog with tears.
Part of me knows the causes and part of me feels so stupid for letting it get to me. How, after two years, can a post on the Internet that has nothing to do with me send me spiraling back down into this pit of depression and loneliness? It seems like every time I try I see something, hear something: a post, a picture, a saying, a journal entry, a song, a voice, a dream and I’m right back where I started.
I sit in my car, stalking Facebook, comparing. Smart and beautiful and successful these other girls are. My thoughts keep turning in circles imagining a person I never met with a person I probably don’t even know anymore. Their perfect facades plastered on Facebook. I’m so tired of the charade.
I stopped writing because I think my words don’t matter, that I am talentless and this is pointless. [A person] didn’t blink. Didn’t read it. Didn’t care. I feel stupid and desperate and the depression, the anxiety, starts whispering in my ear. “You aren’t good enough. You have no talent. You aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough. You will never be enough.” I realize this isn’t my voice. It’s not true. This is not my definition for my life.
I decide I will not let this bout of depression consume my life, like it has before. I wipe my tears, get out, and walk up into my apartment to greet my dog with a smile. I call my mom, text a friend, write it down, take the strategies I learned in therapy and use them.
And I realize, like so many times before, I will be okay.